Information: the truth, expressed in a clear and simple way.

When someone is ill, we often want to know as much information as possible, in order to understand what is happening and to be prepared for what may happen next. Children may feel like this too. If a child asks a question, it is likely that they will be able to cope with the answer. However, be mindful that children may act as if they understand what they’re being told and the words used, even when they do not. Having the facts will help to alleviate the child’s fear.

Children may be anxious about practical things - Where will I stay? Will I go to school? How will I know if something has happened to the person? The pattern of their normal everyday life may have changed dramatically. It may be useful to remind them of what in their lives has not changed, for example, school, with its routine, familiar faces and activities.

Children who are anticipating a death may not want to be parted from their family. Understanding and one to one time with a person at school, with whom they feel comfortable, can provide support at this difficult time.

Reassurance

Children may be worried that the person became ill because of something they did or said or something they omitted to do or say. They need to be told that it’s not their fault. Books like ‘I miss you - a first look at death’ can be useful in putting across this message.

Children may need reassurance that they are not sick too and that any aches and pains they have, which may be similar to their sick relative’s, are not symptoms of the same illness. Some children believe that they can catch cancer.

Expressing feelings

Let children know it’s okay to cry and that feelings like anger are normal. They may need help in managing their anger (see coping strategies below). Children often learn how to respond in difficult situations by observing the adults around them. They will assume this is acceptable behaviour and, if adults constantly hide their feelings, children may feel under pressure to do the same. 

By talking with the child, the child will feel included and not isolated. Being excluded can make children feel angry. If members of the family are able to communicate with the child, it means that the whole family has a shared understanding and leaves the door open for children to come back and ask questions. 

The child needs to know that, although a family member may die, they are still part of a family - talking to the child reinforces this. If families are unable to talk together about the person who is ill or the deceased, it can appear to the child that the person never existed.

If the child cannot express their feelings at home, these can sometimes be evident in school through a change in the child’s behaviour. It is helpful for school and parents to communicate on a regular basis to monitor the child’s behaviour and coping.

Coping strategies

It may be useful for you to suggest safe ways for children to express their feelings. A sketch book and somewhere quiet where they can jot down their feelings and experiences may be helpful.  

At any point in the grieving process, a child or young person will have a particularly bad day, when their grief is particularly acute. Here are some suggestions made by children and young people, which have helped them to cope on those days:-

• • Shout into a pillow
  • Run
  • Draw
  • Write emotions/ worries with a big marker pen
  • Kick a ball
  • Sports
  • Punch a pillow
  • Stamp feet
  • Eat some chocolate
  • Watch TV
  • Listen to music
  • Talk to a friend
  • Have a bath
  • Go on the computer
  • Write
  • Play an instrument
  • Be alone
  • Have a hug
  • Watch a film under the duvet
  • Have a hot chocolate
  • Dance
  • Relax on the sofa

Inclusion and consultation in important decisions

Children who are not included in what is happening can feel left out, angry, alone and frightened. By talking with the child, the child will feel included and not isolated. If members of the family are able to communicate with the child, it means that the whole family has a shared understanding and leaves the door open for children to come back and ask questions.

Support and understanding from adults

Although you may feel inexperienced to support a child at such a difficult time, they simply need you to be there, listening and caring. It is not necessary to find positive things to say.

Books you may find helpful